Relationships often show us what hurts, where we have been wounded and sometimes what we have been trying to avoid looking at within ourselves. Inevitably, there will be conflict in relationships. Though these sound like painful limitations they can also be seen as opportunities to grow. Grow in love and in the depth of our self-awareness.

The Gottman’s couple research and teachings have highlighted four fault lines, or as they call them, ‘Horsemen’, of relationships that lead to break ups. These are criticism, contempt (which includes sarcasm), defensiveness and stone walling. Though these are human reactions, they are expressions that are maladaptive and cause damage to our relationships. This 20 year research from the Gottman’s has taught us that there are ‘masters’ in relationships that demonstrate more effective ways of communicating when conflict inevitably occurs.

Criticism – We have all had moments in our lives where we have wanted to or have actively criticised the people we love. This means that we attack someone’s personality or character.

The antidote – Masters point the fingers at themselves, they explore what they are feeling and how to proactively remedy the cause of the conflict. For example they might say ” I’m feeling … about the situation and this is what I do want/need in these circumstances.” The second part of this communication details what your partner might be able to do in a positive way. Masters are also friends. They use humour, laughing at themselves, affection and love throughout the relationship. They have an environment of play, adventure, purpose, appreciation of each other and meaning. Masters ask open ended questions and are curious about each other. 

Contempt – This is when we attack someone’s sense of self and it can include sarcasm.

The antidote – Build a culture of appreciation and gratitude for each other and be specific about what it is you are grateful for. This results in the building of an emotional bank account. Gottman’s research showed that masters have 5 events of positivity to every 1 event of negativity/conflict. Friendship has been shown to be a prerequisite to a positive and lasting romantic relationship. 

Defensiveness – This is when we victimise ourselves and reverse blame onto the other.

The antidote – take responsibility and exploring the other person’s point of view and perspectives on the matter. Stay curious about the situation and the other’s experiences of it. 

Stone walling – is when we withdraw to avoid conflict which communicates disapproval or separation.

The antidote – taking the time to do something psychologically self soothing. Take a break. Our heart rates begin to skyrocket when we are stone walling. Fight, flight, freeze or fawn response can be activated in conflict. Tell your partner a timeframe for when you’ll come back and take time away from the situation. It takes half an hour at a minimum for our reptilian brain to deactivate. When you walk away for time out, do not think about fight as this will keep you in a heightened state.

Relationships, being vulnerable and sharing with another takes courage and requires a set of skills to create an environment of deep connection, resilience and love. By developing these skills we are honouring ourselves, the other and the relationship in a way that can endure in times of challenge.

Further Watching and Listening