Attachment styles highlight the emotional and relational environments that we grew up in as infants which then colour the way we perceive and behave in relationships as adults. Attachment doesn’t only influence how we create and experience relationships but also shapes how we experience safety in a world. Given that attachment styles are the ways we survived our childhood, is it essential that as adults we approach this self-discovery with compassion and non-judgment.

Disorganised, also known as fearful-avoidant attachment style describes perceptions and behaviours which have aspects of both the avoidant and anxious attachment styles as well as the core belief that “I will be betrayed”. This is because our trust with our caregivers was fragmented or non-existent.

This attachment style is adopted as a result of unresolved trauma in infancy. It is a survival strategy needed when our caregivers weren’t able to be consistently receptive, responsive, or present to our needs as infants and were highly unpredictable. This unpredictability and inconsistency were also then accompanied by experiences of fear. Creating the imprint that our caregivers were a source of both security and fear. This often means we received the message that we do not matter, or that our desire for connection with our caregiver was experienced as one-sided and scary. This connection with our caregiver would have been a neglectful connection with some positives so that we did not want to serve connection altogether such as the avoidant attachment style does.

Some of the core beliefs of this attachment style are:

Fear of being betrayed &/or abandoned & the world is unsafe. If we have this attachment style we may be very trusting and overly giving, whilst simultaneously highly suspicious and hypervigilant. Sometimes it means that as quickly as we open to others, we can close and push back from others. This means we might have difficulty with opening up & trusting others, managing our stress & regulating our emotions

“I am bad & defective, I cannot make mistakes” & “I am unworthy, I am not good enough”. This attachment style often carries a lot of guilt & shame. Sometimes this attachment style had to grow up quicker and needed to be ‘perfect’ to feel as though they could be loved in the family.

– Often experienced as ‘overly emotional’, reactive & emotionally volatile. Due to a chaotic environment during our upbringing, this means we had to be hypervigilant and hyper attuned to other’s needs to stay safe. This can mean this attachment style makes us highly empathetic – often feeling other’s feelings more than our own (enmeshment) or struggle with empathy due to disassociation and an interruption in our brain development. This also meant that our brains were programmed to see danger in relationships which we have brought into our adult relationships as well.

– Simultaneously craves & fears intimacy & believe we need to earn love & connection. This belief that can come with this attachment style often means that we can often be overachievers or instead struggle with mental health & addiction.

People with this attachment style often have an innate drive to be seen, heard & validated, or to be ‘significant’ in adult life because these were experiences that were missing in childhood with our caregivers.

This style can take steps towards healing and secure attachment by:

• Seek a trauma-informed therapist & heal through co-regulation

• Learn about yourself & your trauma responses

• Get to know your triggers for feelings of abandonment & betrayal

• Practice effective self-soothing techniques for triggered moments

• Practice self-compassion & mindfulness