Attachment styles have been described as survival styles by a leading expert in attachment, Patricia Crittenden. We are biologically wired to have a fear of abandonment and developing one of the insecure attachment styles depends on the different ways this fear is triggered in the first 3 years of our lives.

This highlights the importance of bringing an attitude of self-compassion & non-judgment when exploring our attachment styles, as they are a set of perceptions & behaviours that allowed us to have a sense of safety and therefore survival in our early relational experiences

An anxious & preoccupied attachment style usually stems from inconsistency with our primary caregivers’ ability to demonstrate love when we were infants

This means that they were unpredictable & inconsistent at being reciprocal, receptive, responsive, attuned, relationally safe & reliable at caring for our emotional & physical needs. 

The Anxious attachment style is often associated with the characteristic of “clinginess” or appearing emotionally needy. This is due to the fears of abandonment & issues with trusting the feelings a partner expresses for them. 

Anxiously attached people may think things such as “I’m not good enough for my partner”. This often leads to reactivity to their partner & needing constant reassurance. It also often results in experiencing criticism harshly which negatively impacts their self-esteem.

There is usually a sense of disconnection from a self of self, loss of ability to self-soothe & emotional dependence on a partner with a focus on the partner’s moods & behaviours.

Anxious attachment style often makes us feel ambivalent about intimacy as we crave it whilst also experiencing feelings of overwhelm & fear when we are being intimately close with someone.  

Ways to heal this attachment wound and move toward a secure attachment style include:

• Get to know yourself by exploring your needs, wants & boundaries

• Learn to connect with yourself when in a relationship & how to soothe yourself when upset

• Practice being connected to your separateness such as your own hobbies & friends

• Practice being conscious & intentional with your life