“Attachment is a unifying principle that reaches from the biological depths of our being to its furthest spiritual reaches.” ― Jeremy Holmes

Attachment styles describe characteristics of how we attach to others in our relationships which were scaffolded in our earlier years with our primary caregivers. There were four attachment styles uncovered by John Bowlby in 1958.

• Secure – autonomous;
• Avoidant – dismissing;
• Anxious – preoccupied; and
• Disorganised – unresolved.

Adults with these attachment styles differ in a number of significant ways:

• how they perceive and deal with closeness and emotional intimacy.
• ability to communicate their emotions and needs, and listen to and understand the emotions and needs of their partners.
• modes of responding to conflict.
• expectations about their partner and the relationship (internal working models).

Secure: Low on avoidance, low on anxiety. Comfortable with intimacy; not worried about rejection or preoccupied with the relationship. “It is easy for me to get close to others, and I am comfortable depending on them and having them depend on me. I don’t worry about being abandoned or about someone getting too close to me.”

Avoidant: High on avoidance, low on anxiety. Uncomfortable with closeness and primarily values independence and freedom; not worried about partner’s availability. “I am uncomfortable being close to others. I find it difficult to trust and depend on others and prefer that others do not depend on me. It is very important that I feel independent and self-sufficient. My partner wants me to be more intimate than I am comfortable being.”

Anxious: Low on avoidance, high on anxiety. Crave closeness and intimacy, very insecure about the relationship. “I want to be extremely emotionally close (merge) with others, but others are reluctant to get as close as I would like. I often worry that my partner doesn’t love or value me and will abandon me. My inordinate need for closeness scares people away.

Anxious and Avoidant: High on avoidance, high on anxiety. Uncomfortable with intimacy, and worried about partner’s commitment and love. “I am uncomfortable getting close to others, and find it difficult to trust and depend on them. I worry I will be hurt if I get close to my partner.”

Although there are four distinct attachment styles, we can have a combination of behaviours from the different styles – not necessarily staying in one style of attaching. We also may have a dominant style but we can learn healthier ways to connect and attach in our relationships.

Further Reading

Four styles of adult attachment