Have you had the experience where you do something and your friends commend you on it, but your inner voice says ‘They are just being nice/polite, I know I am not actually good at x’ – This is the voice of shame. Initially when I would experience thoughts or feelings of shame I would battle with them, but it wasn’t until later that I realised that fighting these feelings wasn’t the way out of this psychological affliction that we all seem to inherit.

Shame is an invisible, universal human condition that uses the tools of harsh self-criticism and thoughts of perfectionism to express itself in our lives.

When shame speaks it says “I am bad, I am wrong, I am defective, I am unworthy of being known or loved, I am not good enough” and when we do achieve, it counters with “who do you think you are?”.

The way that shame thrives within us and our social environment is through secrecy, silence and judgement. Empathy and self-compassion are antidotes to shame. They are the practises we can use to meet and address our shame. Self-compassion is built on the shared knowledge that humans are inherently imperfect and so highlights our shared humanity and sometimes the absurdity of the human experience. Where shame isolates us in our imperfections – self-compassion connects us.

Where shame says “you’ve fucked it up again”, self-compassion says “It’s okay, I get this is hard, I am here and I am not going anywhere”, where shame says “Of course they are leaving, they were always going to because I am unlovable”,  self-compassion says “Fuck this hurts and I deserve to feel loved and safe more than ever right now”.

Self-compassion can be a challenging practise to integrate into our lives. Can we imagine how we would speak to our loved ones or children in these kind of situations? Can we then endeavour to treat ourselves the same way?

Self-compassion is fundamentally relating to ourselves kindly. Mindfulness practise is inherently self-compassionate as it asks us to observe situations and accept them as they are. Where self-criticism uses the veneer of motivating us, it actually diminishes our capacity and often can activate our fight, flight, freeze or fawn response. Self-compassion creates an environment of comfort and safety by releasing oxytocin – the feel good hormone and we are designed to best respond to this environment, creating opportunity for us to thrive.

Self-Compassion is asking “What can I do to help?” to ourselves.

Further Resources